Eliminationist Draft Guide

2006-08-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

2006 PRESEASON PREDICTIONS

MVP: Emperor Darth Misha I
Prolific Poster: Michelle Malkin
Nuclear Option: Adam Yoshida
Gun Pornographer: Kim du Toit
Sleeper: Steve the Pirate
Overrated: Anna Benson

KEY - PF: Posting Frequency ... EPP: Eliminationism Per Post ... OM: Overall Misanthropy

THE ELITE

1. Emperor Darth Misha I
Salary: $41 • PF: 8 • EPP: 10 • OM: 11

Is there anything the Emperor doesn’t do well? We mean, aside from exhibiting the possession of a human soul? Does he post frequently? Check. Visit snarling rhetorical torture and death upon opponents large and small on a daily basis? Check. Exult in smearing the religion of a billion people with racist language? Check. Demand the collective punishment via the most limb-rending means possible for any and all sentient life inhabiting regions of the world (a.k.a. all of it except for the most controversial Israeli settlements and certain portions of the U.S.) he dislikes? Ridicule as “treason” or “appeasment” any suggested solution for a complex political, social or international problem that falls a fraction short of bombarding it with exploding white phospherous and stringing up anyone who disagrees from the nearest tree? Perversely revel in accurate descriptions by sane people of his media output as “proto-fascist”, “jackbooted thuggery”, “the insane ravings of a deeply disturbed individual” etc., etc.? Check, check and check. The fact is, eliminationists just don’t come any more well-rounded and violently insane than this guy. - AP

Fast Fact: In 1988, Misha abandoned his birthplace of Denmark for the United States, citing the winter weather … which he had determined was being allowed to kill more homeless people in the U.S.

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2. Ann 'The Man' Coulter
Salary: $39 • PF: 5 • EPP: 9 • OM: 10

What more can be said about Ann that hasn’t already been said? Oh, yes – that she got her start in punditry when it turned out that she was the only person on a Fox News set who could suck her own dick. - AP

Fast Fact: Coulter owns a large collection of World War I-era British propoganda art depicting German soldiers eating babies, which she has filed in her personal library under “Recipes”.

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3. Pamela 'Atlas' Oshry
Salary: $39 • PF: 8 • EPP: 9 • OM: 500 cc's

Perhaps no eliminationist playing today better demonstrates the truth of the wise old saying: “Better to blog and be thought a meth-snorkling harpy, then to vlog and confirm it.” - AP

Fast Fact: Wars in the Middle East have been fought over less land than that occupying the bony space between Pamela’s fake tits.

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4. B.C., Imperial Torturer
Salary: $35 • PF: 8 • EPP: 8 • OM: 9

Sauron to Misha’s Morgoth, B.C. is just as venal as his liege … but only half as clever. His enthusiasm for gun porn is matched only by his hatred of the French. B.C. bravely lives by the credo: "The only good Muslim terrorist is a fisked Muslim terrorist." - AP

Fast Fact: “B.C.” stands for “Bellicose Child”.

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5. Michelle Malkin
Salary: $35 • PF: 9 • EPP: 8 • OM: 8

Regularly outraged that, as a woman and a minority, she possesses any rights at all, Malkin has made it her life’s mission to lobby the U.S. government until she is anally probed every time she sets foot in public, and, finally, deported for not bearing enough children. - AP

Fast Fact: Malkin once reported herself to the INS.

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6. Charles 'The Wagner of Jazz' Johnson
Salary: $33 • PF: 8 • EPP: 7 • OM: 9

Famous for having once refused to accompany Ahmad Jamal and Yusef Lateef on “Take the A-Train”, this jazz musician-cum-hysterical racebaiter is currently lobbying the IOC to make kerning an Olympic sport. An advocate of winning Muslim “hearts and minds”, the Lizard King is in the process of constructing the world’s largest trophy case to contain them. - AP

Fast Fact: Johnson has written a 17-hour opera for air guitar based on the life of Baruch Goldstein.

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7. Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant
Salary: $33 • PF: 4 • EPP: 10 • OM: google

The undisputed master of the Shite Club play, Lord Spatula is ready to kick your moonbat ass (as soon as you fork out for airfare to Dallas, navigate your way past security at his gated compound, then figure out how to convince the Sherriff’s deputies that you should be released on your own recognizance). Plus, he’s an awesome dad. - AP

Fast Fact: The real reason Saddam Hussein was found in that Tikrit bunker was that he was tunnelling to the center of the Earth to escape the wrath of Lord Spatula.

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8. Debbie Schlussel
Salary: $29 • PF: 8 • EPP: 7 • OM: 8

Jayne Mansfield to Ann Coulter’s Marilyn Monroe, Schlussel has made a career of subtly hinting at having decent tits and a face that’s probably not as beat-looking in person. Thanks to her tireless efforts to expose the truth about the late Marla Ruzicka, we now know that the well-liked humanitarian was in fact the most evil person in the history of the multiverse. - AP

Fast Fact: If threatened lawuits were horses, Schlussel would have a lot of fucking horses.

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9. Allahpundit
Salary: $29 • PF: 7 • EPP: 7 • OM: 7

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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10. Ian
Salary: $27 • PF: X • EPP: X • OM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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11. Kim du Toit
Salary: $27 • PF: 6 • EPP: 8 • OM: 9

Gun Porn magnate du Toit fled South Africa for the United States as the apartheid regime was crumbling, because, according to him, he … um … despised apartheid. Probably true, after a fashion. And of course, his nostalgia for South African paramilitary activity in Namibia, Botswana and Angola has nothing to do with anything. How dare you suggest such nonsense?!? - AP

Fast Fact: du Toit’s semenal gender study “The Pussification of the Western Male” earned him a Nobel Prize in Applied Rectal Linguistics.

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12. Ace of Spades
Salary: $25 • PF: 9 • EPP: 7 • OM: 7

"Ace" O'Spades was in his office, drinking Bourbon neat, see, when she walked in the door. Tall, red hair, with digits in all the right places … O'Spades could tell this particular IP address spelled T-r-o-u-b-l-e with a capital “TCP/IP”. “What’s yer poison, doll?” he asked warily. “Glen Greenwald … on the rocks,” she replied breathily, “with a side of Brazil nuts.” Fumbling in a desk drawer for the keyboard he kept loaded at all times, O'Spades quietly muttered to himself that whatever happened next, if he survived this case, it would be his last … and this time, he meant it. - AP

Fast Fact: Patterico plays the “good cop” to Ace of Spades’ “bad cop” in all their digital interrogations.

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13. Sean S.
Salary: $22 • PF: 6 • EPP: 8 • OM: 8

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: Sean S. is living proof that 999 of the 1,000 monkeys commonly regarded as necessary to type a random grammatical sentence are, in fact, extraneous.

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14. Confederate Yankee
Salary: $22 • PF: 8 • EPP: 6 • OM: 6

Is Confederate Yankee a standard-issue Southern racist who happens to be a front-running baseball fan? Or is he a self-hating Northern bigot who jacks off to "Birth of a Nation"? Visit his blog for the full, tedious explanation! - AP

Fast Fact: The nom-du-blog "Confederate Yankee" wasn't C.Y.'s first choice, but "Stalinist Nazi" had already been taken.

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15. Steve the Pirate
Salary: $21 • PF: 4 • EPP: 8 • OM: 9

You've got your cretins. You've got your violently racist cretins. And then you've got your violently racist cretins who like to pretend they're pirates. Two words describe this highly touted young eliminationist: limitless upside. - AP

Fast Fact: Steve the Pirate dreams of someday restructuring American society around the scene in "Die Hard 3" where Bruce Willis stands on a Harlem street corner wearing a sandwich board that says "I Hate Niggers".

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16. Steve Sturm
Salary: $20 • PF: 8 • EPP: 9 • OM: 11

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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17. Adam Yoshida
Salary: $18 • PF: 2 • EPP: 11 • GM: 500 megatons

A risky pick, Yoshida could dazzle you with several consecutive KTKTA posts ... or he could go weeks without posting at all. That's just how he rolls. - AP

Fast Fact: Yoshida is Chairman and sole member of Canada's ultra-conservative National Shut-In Party.

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18. David Horowitz
Salary: $18 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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19. 'Dr.' Michael Hurd
Salary: $17 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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20. Michael Savage
Salary: $17 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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21. Robert Spencer
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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22. Mark Steyn
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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23. Daniel Pipes
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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24. Ted Nugent
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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25. Glenn Beck
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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26. Walter E. Williams
Salary: $16 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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27. Leonard Peikoff
Salary: $11 • PF: 1 • EPP: 10 • GM: 10

Cult leader Peikoff rarely writes anymore, but when he does, it's generally to advocate the mass killing of 7/8ths of humanity. So he's got that going for him. Currently, Peikoff is at war with several Objectivist splinter groups for mastery over the all-important freshman dorm-dwelling moody loner demographic. - AP

Fast Fact: Peikoff invented the oxymoron upon declaring himself the "intellectual heir to Ayn Rand".

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28. Steve Sailer
Salary: $10 • PF: 6 • EPP: 6 • GM: 7

You'd think that somebody who despises the neocon agenda and is highly critical of the Bush Administration would have no place on a list of eliminationists. Ladies and gentleman, allow us to introduce the exception to the rule ... Mr. Steve Sailer. - AP

Fast Fact: A printing error at Random House caused Sailer's copy of the dictionary to contain switched definitions for "realism" and "racism".

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29. Warrior
Salary: $8 • PF: X • EPP: X • GM: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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30. Anna Benson
Salary: $4 • PF: 1 • EPP: 8 • GM: 8

Anna Benson to Debbie Schlussel's Jayne Mansfield to Ann Coulter's Marilyn Monroe, Anna Benson is the only eliminationist willing to issue death threats for a dollar bill tucked into her G-string. Though she often goes months between insane screeds, her husband, N.Y. Mets pitcher Kris Benson, is far from the only person she makes hurl. - AP

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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Eliminationist Draft Guide